A Backward Glance by Farrah Cobb

This Old House

2011-06-08T10:04:00.000-07:00

A storm came two nights ago...and with it took most all of our appliances and electronics . I thought it fitting since we are moving...we will need all new stuff. It seems that everything in our home dug their heels in and refused to move...I'm not sure I blame them. I will miss our place too.

We have bought a house together. Even as I type this, I am tearing up about the situation. Although I am very excited about our new home, I will miss our cottage here terribly....the home we were never going to leave... It represents so many things accomplished over the years. My independence(my only "a femme sole" purchase), my largest and most expensive gift for my son(so he would have a yard to run in), my marriage to God's greatest gift to me, and our little baby girl we have watched every day grow into something so magnificent, we really couldn't have imagined her any better. All of these things we are leaving in these walls...our memories, good, bad, and sad...go with us..but the remnants that happened here stay here....and that tugs at my heart like nothing else.
Everything in it's place and a place for everything...Our new house will be better for us. Our little home now, sadly, is ill equipped to house 3 growing children, two adults, two dogs, and two households of furniture. It has no place for anything...except our hearts but It was time...we knew it was coming...we explored every option we could to stay and we delayed this until the very last minute. However, I do admit, having space to move about and a place to put everything will be a nice change. Our one bathroom situation has been for the past two years, difficult, to say the least. My near teen son and potty training daughter had to come to an understanding quickly about personal space...forget the two adults who need to brush their teeth and shave every so often.

There are some perks to a bigger place...but I am moving slowly through my house now...packing it carefully...so not to shock my system.

Before I started today, I decided to photograph some things that we shouldn't forget

Our oak tree:
the one they said would never weather the storms,

always hung, looming over the top of our house,
protecting it really...
it was never a threat at all we discovered.

Mother Mary watching over our kitchen:
protecting all who bravely ate my food...

Our confederate cream jasmine covering the ugly black iron:My husband's late father suggested it to me, saying that it covers excellently and is nice to smell in the Spring when you walk out your door. He was right.

Our door knob: touched everyday by each person that is cherished in this house.

Our angel
hanging by the door:
protecting us as we come and go

Our street: Where Kate learned to ride her scooter
and Austin his bike.

Our house numbers:
painted after two storms blew away our address markers. These weren't going anywhere.

My babies' "height chart" in the door jam:this goes with us no matter what Tom says.

Kate's "birdfeeder":

right under her window so
she can watch them eat...

Our wooden floors I refinished myself:
Tom, with little faith in my abilities at the time,
insisted I stop and put the carpets back...
I, of course, did not....

This old house has seen us through many things, protected us from the storms, held strong like the bunker that it is...never disappointing us when we came home to it, walked into it, ate in it, fell asleep in it, played outside of it, made and brought our babies home to it, cried in it, laughed in it, stayed up late in it, celebrated in it, mourned in it...it will be hard to let it go....if I can. I don't intend on kicking and crying as they drag me away from it...but I'm not making any promises.

It's a ...What? now wait...a what? Oh boy!

2011-05-20T10:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Thursday, May 19, 2011, we found out that we are giving Austin and Kate a brother. I have to say that I was somewhat surprised, as I thought we would always have girls. A boy never factored into my equation. My son was born in 2000. I always say he was the perfect child. He really was. You can ask most anyone who knows him. He just never caused us any problems or stress or worry. When you have a child like this...you tend to believe...embarrassing to say now...that you have some sort of super parenting skills. You view outrageous temper tantrums in the store and sassy children smarting off to their parents as subpar parenting, disorganized discipline and no structure. YOUR child is the direct result of your superior rearing....you did everything right and this is the result! Right?

Uhmmmm...well...that is until God throws you a curve ball. Our curve came in 2007 with Kate. She was born the day of Hurricane Humberto...her first birthday was Hurricane Ike...it is a good representation of how life has been since her birth...although chaotic...it's a blissful chaos. We love her to her little wild core. Her mind is her own. We have to relate to her far differently than we did Austin. Where we could just tell him to do something and no questions were asked....Kate wants to know why, the purpose of it, the outcome of it and exact specifications of our expectations. It has been, to say the least, an adjustment. I wouldn't have it any other way, though.

So, last week, I got all of Kates old clothes down. I was seperating them...those to wear, and those to donate. Yesterday, I put them all back up knowing most will go to someone elses little girl. It is a little painful that that part of Kate is over. Those precious tiny times have come and gone and we won't have someone to relive them through...sniff...a little sad. But the Queen will have her princess and the princess will keep her throne!

SO!! We get to have a little boy. A bouncing baby boy that I get to watch play soccer and tball all over again and I am really excited about that! I get to pull out all of Austin's old choo choo trains (his cherished "peepoos" that I just couldn't part with ever)with his little teeth marks scratched in the paint...some still with chocolate smears...ready for the next little man who will play with them.

We were very surprised...but I am getting pretty excited about what's next...A boy a boy a boy...Oh boy! God Save the Queen!

You mean I can't have my lotion either?!?

2011-02-12T05:39:00.000-08:00

Ok folks. I am a fool. I have been sitting here a blasted fool.
I must tell you...every night. I have a routine. It isn't a long one, but it is true. I take my bath. I dry my hair. I put on my jammies and rub lotion on my feet and hands. My feet are socked for the night and I get to smell Moonlight Path(my most favorite Bath and Body Works scent since I was in college) on my hands before I drift.
Every morning I wake up....and my ring is tight and I go to the bathroom and wash my hands and massage them. They always swell in the morning. It's always been so.
However,
It isn't supposed to be so.
Who knew I was going to have to watch out for my lotions? Almost all of my famous maker body products are made from wheat germ oil.
HELLO?!?
For Fifteen years I have been putting their products(in one scent or the other) on my hands and feet at night. Every morning within those years I have woken up with swollen hands. Except this morning. Haha! This is a little crazy even for me....But I was reading an article about gluten free beauty products. It suggested going through all of your beauty products and figuring out which ones are have gluten in them. How ridiculous! So now I have to investigate not only what I'm putting in my body but what is on the outside too? Fab.
Your skin absorbs about 30% of what you put on your skin into your bloodstream(according to a study on celiac.com) and...Apparently almost everything at "famous maker beauty products" has wheat germ oil in it...for moisturizing...they list it actually as a benefit to your skin. Which explains why certain people's hands puff up like a pigeon in the morning.
I am elated to have figured out my swollen hand thing. I am beyond despair from having to throw out one of the only constants in my life over the past fifteen years.
I have listed some things here that I already use and are gluten free(and I didn't know it)...

Dove: Dove Shampoos and Conditioners...Dove will list any gluten on their label.
Crest toothpaste....I spoke with a rep and they say their products are gluten free
(in fact celiac.com suggests you call and ask manufacturers if there is any, wheat, wheat germ,oats, malt, or millet in their products)
Smashbox Cosmetics(which I already love) are gluten free.
So! I will investigate this and compile a list of products that I have found(that actually work)and are gluten free...Godspeed Farrah..and good luck!

Week 8 begins...Get it all out!

2011-02-01T11:20:00.000-08:00

Well, It's officially 2 months since I started totally removing gluten from my diet. The Skeptic has become the believer. I never started this with the intention of losing weight(although I have lost four pounds). I began with the hope of making my body healthier so we can have another baby and feeling better forever(which is always a good thing, baby or not). I haven't been disgusted by anything yet and I am feeling better than I have since high school!

I have three certainties.

1. I can't believe it has been as easy as this has been for me.

2. If it is within my own power, I will never eat wheat again.

3.I want to learn more and share as much information about this as I can with people.

In an ealier post, I said that I had some blood work come back funny. Not funny haha...but off. It indicated some inflamation. Inflamation.

In my family, we have a history of auto immune disorders.....When we hear inflammation...we panic.

I paniced. I thought of my poor crippled grandmother who suffered her entire life with pain and steriod treatments because there was nothing else. She couldn't pick us up or hold us long periods. Her hugs, although filled with love, were weak and labored. I thought about my babies and my future grandbabies and decided I needed to do something fast.

I had the same blood work rerun this week. It has come back. It has come back within and below normal ranges. My doctor has attributed to a certain number of things. However, I am pretty sure that I know why. I can't say for certain that if you have RA or Lupus that your blood work will change or anything like that. But. For me. This is very exciting and promising news.

On the verge of tears here, I am playing these "What if" games...What if she had known. ...if she just had known she was allergic to wheat, she might have felt better. Maybe, just maybe at 60 she wouldn't have been using a walker, she couldv'e held us tight, she couldv'e folded her hands in prayer like she always wanted to.

What if. Maybe.

But maybe for me...I can break the cycle. Maybe I can be where it ends. What if I found the problem? What if it was this simple all along?

Maybe.

Tonight. Gluten Free Chili...cause it's cold and I can have all the rice I want! Shocker.

Old Mother Hubbard

2011-01-24T08:05:00.000-08:00

I have recently given up wheat in my diet but did not have the inner strength to purge the pantry of it all. It's kinda like your old "stand by" pair of fat jeans...just in case you ever have a weak moment and need them again, you keep them around. I wanted to make sure. Before dispersing and tossing the food that has caused me so much trouble...I had to make sure we were in this for the long haul.

Sunday was the day....to purge our home of the unwanted gluten. ..I went forth with a vengance. For someone who, for so long, has made her meals of toast and Cream of Wheat...ritz crackers and rolled oats, it was a daunting task to say the least. three trash bags full of half consumed boxes of pasta and open boxes of uneaten cereal went in the trash. One small box of unopened pastas went to a friend. It was difficult, but I did it! I will share with you that I was left with a very light feeling. I didn't have to worry anymore that in a moment of desperate weakness I will pull out the Cap'n Crunch or Cream of Wheat and begin Day 1 all over again. However, in addition to the light floaty feeling, I was also left with a dreadfully bare pantry....not unlike Old Hubbard's cupboard....Here's hoping I can provide some satisfying options for my family so they don't completely hate me when one of them starts craving a big ol' slice of buttery white bread or steaming bowl of pasta, cream and cheese.

Here is a list of five of the things I have found are such great alternatives(most can be found in our Kroger or HEB stores here)...and of course Basic Foods.

1.Blue Diamond(my savior with their NutThins)

2.I love all the Quinoa pastas but my parents bought some new pasta at Wal Mart that I swear is better...its call HeartLand Pasta and it was so close to the real thing...

3. Cream of Rice cereal is also my savior on cold mornings...my childhood favorite having been put out to pasture..has been replaced with a good enough substitute.

4. BisQuick now makes a gluten Free product...so we can have our skinny pancakes back!

5.Of course you can eat all of the cheese, meat, dairy, rice and potato you want...but what about crackers for your cheese?

Crunchmaster makes these fantastic crackers...my favorite is this one, toasted onion, but there are about four kinds to choose from.

Betty Cracker also has a whole line of Gluten Free products now that are quite tastey too!

It's nice to see some companies I recognize are trying to make life a little easier and healthier for us!

Macaphony and Cheese Please!!

2011-01-21T17:33:00.001-08:00

I've been sick. If you are anything like me, sickness tends to make you a smidge...well uhm...weak. Physically weak...obviously...but mentally weak as well. I must admit, my resistance to craving the fantastic comfort food the ol' body has craved for so long...has..in all honesty...worn thin. The only thing I want during times of sickness is pasta. What can't I have? Pasta...sigh.
What to do. What to do. What to do....eat a big bowl of steaming tomatoey and basily Spaghetti...sure and then risk swelling up like a puff fish and needing a crane to get me in the bed...or

find an alternative.

I found a great little gluten free recipe for my all time favorite...Macaroni and Cheese...I had to tweek it some...it called for a few things not in the pantry at the time and it used just plain ol' milk in the sauce( and every southern gal knows her mac n cheez just isn't, unless you are using evaporated milk)...this is key...My dear sweet Nannie made Macaroni and Cheese every holiday. I asked her for her recipe and once given, asked stupidly if plain milk would suffice...response"It just isn't something you want to try". Later I found out for myself. If you want thin lifeless mac...use your little 2% to your hearts content...You want people slappin' their mommas? use the evaporated milk.
START! by melting a big pat of butter and sauteing about a cup of finely chopped onions. Once they are nice and clear...sprinkle in about 1/4 of a cup of potato flour and brown it into a taupe roux...
2 cans of evaporated milk(wisk it well into the roux)then add
2 bay leaves, 1tbsp paprika, 1tsp salt..in that order...
bring it slowly to boil...then reduce to a simmer...
next add about a cup and a half of shredded chedder cheese
stir it all around...mix it up real real good...then
1 cup of cottage cheese....stir stir stir stir stir....well.
Now this is the most important part...the noodles...What kind you ask? I used Quinoa. Why is this important to know? They are the only noodles that come so close to regular pasta that I can hardly tell the difference between them and their evil wheat counterparts...You have boiled these jewels and are ready to mix it into the cheesey ooey gooey mix...in a 2 quart casserole...sprinkle about another half cup of cheese on top and it's ready to bake for 20 minutes at 350....
But Wait! Wait!!
What about the crust you ask?
Rice Chex...yeah you read that...Rice Chex...
I would have never thought of this on my own...but it is pure genius....fill a small ziploc full and SMASH! PULVERIZE! and then toast them a little in some butter over medium heat...Sprinkle on top and you're ready to go!
Twenty minutes later...you've got something that I guarantee no one can tell there is something "funny" about...No one will guess! It is that good! The only thing you will have to worry about is making enough...and if there will be leftovers for lunch the next day! Yes Please!

Shrimp Happiness and Grit Heaven

2011-01-18T18:34:00.000-08:00

Shrimp and Grits tonight....unbelievable that these creamy grits are sans gluten...
not that it makes up for the Thin Mint fiasco but anyhoo...here's the recipe!

* 5 cups water
* Salt and pepper
* 1 1/4 cup stone-ground grits
* 3 tablespoons butter
* 2 cups shredded sharp cheddar cheese
* 1 pound shrimp, peeled and deveined
* 6 slices bacon, chopped( keep the grease)
* 4 teaspoons lemon juice(I used 2 lemons)
* 2 tablespoons chopped parsley
* 1 cup thinly sliced scallions
* 1 large clove garlic, minced
(Bobby Flay doesn't use an onion...but I used a very small yellow onion sliced thin)
Directions

Bring water to a boil. Add salt and pepper. Add grits and cook until water is absorbed, about 20 to 25 minutes. Remove from heat and stir in butter and cheese.

Rinse shrimp and pat dry. Fry the bacon in a large skillet until browned; drain well. In grease, add shrimp. Cook until shrimp turn pink. Add lemon juice, chopped bacon, parsley, scallions and garlic. Saute for 3 minutes.

Spoon grits into a serving bowl. (Bobby doesn't say to drain the shrimp mixture but I did...just to get rid of a little grease)
Add shrimp mixture and mix well. Serve immediately.
(Not kidding...this took me about 45 minutes start to finish and we all ate! I started a little after six and we ate at 7! And everyone knows that the Cobbs eat late anyway...but not as late as usual!)

The Thin Line Between Gluten and Good Enough

2011-01-18T06:24:00.000-08:00

Ok. I have not really craved anything that I can't have yet....Until last night.
As I was lying in bed, a friend of mine called and asked me how many boxes of Thin Mints I needed this year....(Panic!) (Dispair!) (Hunger!)
Anyone who knows me well knows about my love of the Girl Scout Thin Mint cookie. It was a love affair that started many years ago when I was in college. When I finally run out the only thing marginally close is the Keebler Grasshopper(it can get me throught the year)...but every January, the affair is rekindled when those little girls come knocking at my door and I can't help but buy a few months worth of the crispy chocolatey minty goodness. Whoever gets to me first can expect a windfall because I will buy every box off of you!
But this year...this year is different. I have happily skipped through removing gluten from my diet for a whole month....but this could be my end. I don't care about pizza, or sandwiches or hamburgers. I don't care about pasta or toast or biscuits. However, Girl Scout Thin Mints...well...I don't know if I can help myself.
A friend has given me a "copy cat" gluten free recipe which I will be trying out tonight and I wanted to post it for everyone. I am sure it is not the exact same...but hopefully the good Lord will take mercy on me and let them be good enough to sprinkle on my organic vanilla ice cream. Here's Hoping!
makes about 25 cookies

In the original Thin Mints cookies, the underlying chocolate cookie is quite thin, not too sweet, and rather compact. It is the thin milk chocolate covering that is very minty.
(doesn't that just sound delightful!)

1⁄3 cup oil, 65 grams

1⁄4 cup sugar, 50 grams

1 cup brown rice flour, 125 grams

1⁄3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder, 30 grams

1 egg

1⁄8 teaspoon baking soda

1⁄2 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon xanthan gum

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

chocolate coating:

12 ounces broken milk chocolate bars, 340 grams

2 tablespoons confectioners’ sugar

1⁄2 teaspoon mint extract

Preheat the oven to 350°F. Lightly grease a cookie sheet.

In a medium-size bowl, combine the oil and sugar. Beat well. Add the brown rice flour and beat well. Scrape down the sides of the mixing bowl at least once during mixing. Add the remaining batter ingredients and beat well. Continue beating until the dough comes together; it will be soft and oily to the touch.

Roll out the dough to 1⁄8-inch thickness. Use a 11⁄2-inch round cookie cutter to cut the cookies and place them on the prepared pan. Bake the cookies for 8 to 9 minutes, until the tops are dry. Let cool well before coating; the cookies should be crisp upon cooling.

For the chocolate coating, I suggest making two batches of coating (using half of the ingredients at a time) so that it does not harden before you have used it all. Place half the chocolate into a microwave-safe bowl and cook on HIGH for 1 to 2 minutes, until melted. Stir in half the sugar and half the mint extract. Stir until creamy. Dip the cookies into the chocolate and place on waxed paper to cool. The coating should be as thin as possible to mimic the original.

Note: Milk chocolate bars melt “thinner” than do milk chocolate chips. Milk chocolate chips may be used, but will make for a thicker chocolate coating.

Excerpted from The Ultimate Gluten-Free Cookie Book by Robin Ryberg. Copyright © 2010 Da Capo Press Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

There Must Be an Easier way!

2011-01-16T19:14:00.000-08:00

Having taken six months off from my blogging kick, I have great news! I'm back! As if anyone cares...as if anyone really reads this at all.
But so much has happened in the past six months to us. Important people in our life passed away, we inherited a new dog,we've decided to move and we were pregnant. Yes, it's past tense. We were pregnant and I miscarried. I really do hate that word, miscarry..this dirty little word everyone says in a whisper that sounds like it should be shouted during a football game...instead of a fumble...a miscarry..."And she's intercepted the ball! It's Unbelievable folks...she's at the 40 the 30 the 20..ooopps! an unfortunate miscarry. What a disappointment folks! Sorry...see you again next week!"
It is without a doubt, one of the most confusing things in this world. A friend, having gone through a similar situation, compared it to absentmindedly misplacing something..."Now where did I put that pregnancy? I know I had it yesterday..."...and try as we might to make light of it...it still hurts.
My boy and I have been down this road before together. Each time very painful, each time I realize there is no one in this world I would want to go through something so important like that with except for Tom. It is devastating and confusing and you feel not unlike a leper in the doctor's waiting room....hot and hurting and surrounded by at least twenty women with wonderfully swollen bellies...there, only to remind you of what they have...and what you're losing. And then comes the unavoidable "letting everyone know"...that is one of the worst parts.
The whispering and sad faces and big hugs and the obligatory "Don't worry, you can try again"...yes yes we know it...all very nice gestures...but still...it sucks.
Kate is our "try again" gone blissfully right and we're grateful! However, to have to go through the "trying again" again is sometimes a really tough pill to swallow.
But I digress...
The reason I am posting this is to explain the reason my doctor decided to run a battery of tests. Without going into too much detail...Apparently...It is my fault. great. and I didn't even know it.
I have been put on a baby aspirin a day, folic acid and a prenatal vitamin. I have also been asked to exclude gluten from my diet...Wha Wha What!!...Whoaaaaa....that would be bread. Bread is gluten. Are you kidding me? who can do this? Who can possibly go through life without bread, bagels, pasta, frosted flakes and all my "bad" sugar cereals? Even soy sauce, I've found, has gluten....surely this is a cruel joke!!! This is the time where buttery yeast rolls and greasy hamburgers are most needed in my life...my heavily fried chicken...my comfort food...
Who in the world would willingly do this? Who would know a thing about it?
My mother in law.
My husbands mother has been on a gluten free diet for about two years. She has praised it's miraculous effects on her energy and health ever since starting it and to be perfectly honest....I thought it was a little hokey and a little, well, troublesome. Always looking for the "hidden gluten" is a big stresser when cooking for her....it's like a game "gluten gluten who's got the gluten"....but she has amazing knowledge on the subject...so I went for a visit.
After getting some good advice and starting points I decided I would try it. If I absolutely hated it...I could always just go get a donut and forget the whole damn thing! You can still have rice and potatoes so at least I knew I wouldn't starve.... and any kind of meat vegetable or fruit desired is on the menu too. Fine. so. Let's give it a go.
Ok. I am not exagerrating. After a month, I can tell you I feel awesome. I have never felt so good in my entire life! I feel like Rip Van freakin Winkle waking up after about an 18 year nap. I've been awake. Life has happened...but I have never had real energy that wasn't perpetuated by coffee or Redbull or a two hour nap in the middle of the afternoon. I can honestly say, they are not kidding around with this gluten free thing. I do not have Celiac disease..no no..I am gluten intolerant. There is an enormous difference and shouldn't be confused.
I was tired(all the time), I had to nap, I needed coffee just to get out of bed...and as distasteful as it may be to say...my digestion was way off!
A friend suggested that I blog about my gluten-free adventure...or misadventure and if for no other reason than for myself to see how I've progressed...make a record of the process. So here I am! I will share whatever information I get, share recipes, and brand names and whatever I think is making this gluten free thing easier....because it is easier than I thought at one time. Sometimes a gal has to put on her big girl pants and try something that just might work and be good for her health. Even if it means Grands Cinnamon Rolls are out.
"You mean that I can't have bread? Ever? Again?"
"Right. But you will feel good. You will feel good more often than you feel bad or tired. Do you think that's worth trading the Wonder Bread in for some UDI bread?"
Scary I know, but I think it just might.

Out With The Old!?

2010-06-07T16:32:00.000-07:00

Ahhh...it's officially summer! At this time in the year, we teachers are often able to tend to overlooked business of the house and home. We can paint a little more, clean a little more, read a little more and play a little more. My first order of business every summer is the cleaning and excavating of our closets. Lots can be uncovered in the heaps and piles collected on the floors and there is much to be sorted through and emptied. It is the time of year that I give our storage areas a breath of fresh air. You could say that I let the closets take in a collective deep breath before the overflow in the new school year. It is cathartic..the yearly unloading and cleaning of our small cottage...everything around us on the outside can fill up to the brim...but in here we are happy and free with our nicely cleaned closets and shelves.
Something very different happened this year....
My objective today was cleaning my sons closet. It is, by far, in the worst condition. Sorting, tossing, cleaning, wiping and passing down to the two year old had commenced...with a fury. First, his backpack needed to be emptied and cleaned.
Background on this ritual:
Austin has had the same backpack since prekindergarten. With not two nickles to rub together for heat at the time when I bought it, the $12.99 plus monogramming and shipping that I paid for it was a pretty big expense. However, it was Pottery Barn for Kids, on huge markdown and I knew their stuff lasted!(we had no idea how long though)
This has been his backpack since then! Yes! Prekindergarten, Kindergarten, First Grade, Second Grade, and Third Grade....this has been it. Needless to say, I have become somewhat attached....as the years have gone by in a poof and my baby has grown from naps to solving division problems in school, the one constant has been that durn backpack....
Today, I began to put it up on its shelf(yes it has its own)so it will be ready to be picked up again in August. He stopped me. "Mom, you can toss my backpack...I've had it long enough."
Usher in the tears and internal emotional chaos....but all that I could do was squeak out a simple, "What? Why?"
and his response to me?
"Fourth graders don't carry backpacks with their names on them. That could get you killed in the Fourth grade!"
ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Doesn't he know that this bag has been the one constant in his education aside from him....that every note, every piece of homework and project has booked passage to his schools through it? How could he do this! How could he grow up so fast! I am not ready! He may be! I am definitely not! Every year, his school supplies have made their way safely to his desk. Every year, I have packed this bag away lovingly so that he will have it and carry it...Each year, the boy has changed but the backpack is still the same...it has made his growing up seem more bearable...Doesn't he know it? How can we just "toss it"?
I took some pictures to remember. I will miss it sitting in its rightful place by our front door. I will miss walking in from the store and seeing it open and by that, knowing that he is sitting in his room doing his homework. I will miss the smell. I will be sad to find something else to put on "its" shelf. The things I will hold onto though are the memories. The memory of my precious boy walking away from my car and up to school with that durn old bag waving goodbye and telling me that everything is going to be ok...
I will still need some convincing of the purchase of a new backpack..for now,I am looking into some patches.

Springing Seniors and A Summer of Love

2010-04-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

There is nothing I love more than an exciting beginning on the horizon! Whether a senior or a couple about to be wed...these futures are certainly bright!

Symphony En La Cocina!

2010-03-20T16:35:00.000-07:00

Can you remember the first time that you ever saw an orchestra? I can. I have very clear memories of that. The year...1983. The place...Julie Rogers' theater. Occassion...Rave style show. I was modeling a flower girl dress and was very excited about the whole night. Feeling prepared and confident, I slowly made my way toward the front of the stage and then, something stopped me. Below the stage, in the orchestra pit, were dozens of men and women with instruments. They were all playing back and forth, alternating between time and music. Halted and hypnotized, I followed all of their gazes to a conductor holding a baton. Vigorous movements and strict concentration kept everyone on time. The musicians playing were amazing. I could have watched them all night...that is until...I heard my friend Kacy calling from behind me....through her teeth. "Go...Go...Farrah go!" A slight nudge sent me on my way..a little dazed and somewhat embarrassed.
The Symphony still has the same affect on me. It is truly amazing and mesmerizing.
It is rare I have a similar reaction to much else. It is a very specific feeling.
I had the pleasure of witnessing a different kind of symphony the other night and no instruments were needed.
My sister-in-law is a chef and she asked me to come photograph some of her culinary stylings. What an awesome thing to watch! I have had her cooking before...love it! But I have never watched her process. I took this particular picture above and it very much reminded me of a conductor...keeping time to the spinach and poached pears and directing the scurrying of people around her. A very cool thing....
Also a very challenging situation, when you are there to capture a moment and all you really want to do is watch...
I left feeling full and very satisfied(mostly because she shared some leftover crabcakes with me)
except for one small thing....
How do I convince her to do this for us every night...
Maybe this way...

http://chefmonicacobbs.blogspot.com/

A Feathery Obsession

2010-02-22T09:07:00.000-08:00

I have another small obsession....Can you guess what it is? Here's a hint...Cluck Cluck Cluck. Here's another hint..."Then I will do it myself..and she did." Any guesses? Right! The answer is chickens! But not just any hen will do. Free roaming, fresh air, grass fed biddies are the only ones of interest! There is something about these mystical beauties that is a delight for the eye. What they create can make a mouth very happy! This fascination, really, began one sunny afternoon a couple of years ago at the Springs. A friend had brought a basket of some beautifully colored eggs(unrefrigerated) and dated at the bottom. Curiosity set in and investigation began. Why didn't she have to refrigerate them? Where is the Styrofoam carton? The eggs were an array of various shades of greenie blues, off whites, and sweet speckles. None looked alike or did they even resemble the bleached white ones in the stores...And the yolks! The Yolks were orange....orange like a setting sun...They couldn't be chicken eggs! Chicken eggs have yellow yolks right?
Answer: Not all yolks are made the same. Were you aware that there is a hierarchy of yolks in the egg world? Did you know that eggs' yolks are a direct reflection of their chicken's environment? Did you know that a TRUE free roaming chicken egg yolk is supposed to be orange? Yeah...Neither did I. All eggs that I have ever had were white(blindingly so) and cold with perfectly round yellow centers.
I had no clue about this but you can actually tell by the way the egg looks and tastes if it was from a closed in coop, antibiotic ridden, grain fed hen or a happy free roaming, grass fed chicken. According to Mother Earth News: They are healthier too!A free roaming grass fed hen's egg has:

1/3 less cholesterol
1/4 less saturated fat
2/3 more vitamin A
2 TIMES more Omega-3 fatty acids
3 TIMES more Vitamin E
7 TIMES more beta carotene

http://www.motherearthnews.com/eggs.aspx

Pretty cool huh?
I had the opportunity, at a baby shower of all places, to witness what this grass fed, free roaming phenomenon was all about. You have never seen such fat and happy chickens! These biddies have had all the time and love that a chicken should have. It was obvious...I'll bet they help make a pretty tasty omelette in the mornings too! I took some pictures of these lovely ladies with hopes of remembering for my own future hen house, what a healthy chicken is supposed to look like!

Decisions Decisions....

2010-02-20T20:06:00.000-08:00

What a great afternoon. Every part was wonderful.....my favorite part...watching my little one decide between a cupcake or a lollypop...sometimes when life gives you everything you want, it is hard to decide what part you want first.

Have we Already come to this point?

2010-02-15T14:06:00.000-08:00

I watched as my son rode away this weekend..well not far...rode away to the neighbor's house a block down the street. Considering there was a time, not so long ago, that Austin taking one step outside the front door by himself sent me into near heart failure...this was a huge step. The home is visible from our front door so there are no problems seeing where he is going. We have been familiar with the family ever since their dog wandered up to our home one rainy night, only a puppy then, and spent the evening in our den....so we aren't worried about the people in the house. Worry comes because this is his next step into independence. He may be ready....I am not.
The neighbor came to the door, knocked and asked the question most parents hear after some time living among the same people that have children..."Can Austin come over and play?"...Cue panic....
Have we already come to this point? What do I say? Do I bring him in my car? Not for four houses Farrah.
Will he ride his bike alone? What?
Yes? No? Yes? No? Ok. yes....Not a moment had passed between the time that I spoke that word and him jumping on his scooter and he was off down the street. I quickly shouted "One Hour!!" and barely got a "K!" before he was out of earshot.
Next Question:Do I watch him?
What is the protocol for staying cool and keeping him safe all at the same time? Watch? Close the door and hope for the best? Watch? Close the door and peer out the window? Peer.... But what if I'm spotted and Austin is branded the kid in the neighborhood with the weird mom that watches you from the window? We can't have that.
Best alternative...grab the binoculars and peer inconspicuously from a distance out the window....far more normal...I mean, I could be bird watching for all they know.
An hour later, Austin came back in alone, pink cheeked, and happy. They had a good time and he was back on time. One hour and he stuck to it....Good kid....less nervous mother who had a heck of a neck crick the next day from all that bird watching though.

An Everyday Kind of Valentine

2010-02-15T12:39:00.000-08:00

It is Valentine's Day 2010. Red and Pink, Hearts and Candy have littered our grocery isles for about three weeks now. The adults in our home have never really celebrated this day. Sorry if someone works in the card industry but I think it is a commercially bogus holiday.....something to keep gift companies in the black between Christmas and Easter....the time of year that the makers of red dye #40 have their annual party(and you thought it was Christmas) Hate to sound cynical but that's the way it is. Thankfully, we both feel this way...We don't do cards or flowers , chocolates or sweets for this occasion...
A match made in heaven avoiding a Hallmark Hell. What is the nation trying to prove with this anyway?

The simple fact is that I don't need any one day to tell me how Tom still feels. He shows his love everyday....even when I am impossible....especially when I am impossible! He is considerate and attentive. He is funny and charming. It never escapes him to let me know what I mean to him. For this... He is appreciated on so many levels... yet his wife does a terrible job in telling him how many.
In my defense though, how can you put that kind of gratitude into mere words? How could I ever convey it to him without sounding ridiculously clumsy and have him totally understand it? How can anyone? Even now, as I sit here and try to describe it, I cannot.

King of Hearts

On our wedding day, a question arose about the length of time we had been together..I said two years(then started to count)Double that! I honestly couldn't recall when it had all started because he had always been there..I still can't recall a time when he wasn't there....although I know there were 25 years of life that he wasn't, it feels like he was always waiting in the wings. When he walked me to my car, the first time we met, I thought.."Oh! There you are." We fell into our life together simply and easily. No rush...No fuss and nothing to prove. We both agree that this is what made "us" different from any "us" that we had ever known. I guess that is what happens when people find their match....It isn't that you can't live without...it is that you don't want to live your life without that person anymore.

Hating to stay on the Anti-Valentine bandwagon, I will say, enjoy it if you please. If you love Valentines Day that is great! It wouldn't be here if people didn't. However, We don't need one day to commemorate love for someone...it should be every day. A silly number on a calendar says nothing about a bond. So everybody, love your little hearts out and remember that whoever you loved this weekend needs to know it all year long!

A Backward Glance for Original Thought

2010-02-03T22:07:00.000-08:00

Love's unexpected gesture

We learn from our past. Our history teaches us a lot about what works and what doesn't. We learn by looking back. A Backward Glance is not an idea that I came to on my own. I want to make that very clear....they are not a group of words amazingly put together by me at all...they are lovingly borrowed, used perhaps, to illustrate an idea of what photography is to this kindergarten teacher. A Backward Glance is the title of Edith Wharton's Autobiography....(and the name of a couple of antique stores as I have found in the past month) Wharton has so many insights on looking back at your life....being true to who you are as a person and how to recognize who you really are. She said once, "True originality consists not in a new manner but in a new vision." I find this thought genius! I have no interest in someone stealing an idea and claiming it as their own as many will try to do. Originality and true invention are a difficult thing to come by...it comes from thought, and study, and sometimes even, dumb luck...but when you do come across a truly original perspective, that is being in the presence of something very exciting! Photography can be defined along these lines. No one can tell me that every other picture of someone's child in the same garden isn't similar to the next. That the picture of the bride in her gleaming white gown isn't somewhat like the bride sitting by the same church the weekend before. What makes them unique is the "vision" behind the photograph.
Our children's medals in from France
Finding a "new manner" of capturing a moment is not nearly as important or original as finding your own personal "vision" of what a photograph should look like. For example, What feeling should a parent get looking at their newborn baby in a photograph? Now, what should it look like to them after eighteen years in life together? What do they want to remember about that time?
A beloved chest's arrival with the perfect message

Think about it...there is your original idea...The idea of taking a photograph is totally unoriginal but the vision behind taking it is!
That was my charge this week...an original photographic idea. No cherub children. No blushing brides. No homeless sitting on a street corner(snooze).....I was bound to have one somewhat inspiring idea floating around in that huge hole under my hair somewhere....

A preview of our veggie dreams

Ok...What made you happiest this week Farrah? The idea of personal happy moments is not new but the vision of my own is...
Vision of bliss in the past week
These are some of mine.
Pay attention..count your dearest moments this week.

Even small feet can take you places.

Spring veggies-Round two:Ding!

2010-02-01T09:12:00.000-08:00

After an inspirational trip to Maine two summers ago, I decided that I would try my hand at some modern urban farming...ie:try to start a small vegetable garden in our backyard. The kitchen gardens in Castine were neatly tucked in the back and side yards of so many of the charming homes that it was difficult to take a walk without yearning to have one for yourself. Ignoring the eye rolls and easy sighs from Tom("here she goes again"), I was undaunted in my quest for knowledge about a backyard produce isle. My thirst for information on composte tea and soil solarization could not be quenched. I devoured every book and article I could get my hands on about successful gardening techniques. It was going to be easy. It would be fruitful beyond my wildest imagination!
Unfortunately, I was mistaken.
Infantile delusion created a belief that the miraculous earth, carefully tilled and fortified, was surly going to provide us sustenance for the entire summer! All that was needed were some fabulous seeds and willing, working hands right? Hmmm...Seeds? Check! Hands? Check! Sun? Check Check!(we had plenty of that this summer for sure...Sheesh!)
Admittedly, there is a lot more that goes into proper vegetable gardening, humbling more. You will mentally and emotionally prepare yourself as much as possible to step into the "ring"(also called your plot of well tilled solarized composted land). You might gingerly grow seedlings on you kitchen window sill(barring no one knocks them over while doing the dishes). You will till and weed and moan and groan. You will cry and hurt and go to bed sore. You will bleed and cuss and have brown fingernails at inopportune moments ....But! I am telling you that this is one of the most satisfying hobbies I ever found. Satisfying but not necessarily productive.
Fact:Our crop didn't provide our vegetables for the entire summer. Our tomatoes did ok...no huge vats of pasta sauce from them but we did have some salads. White eggplants were interesting to watch grow but not as cool to eat. Our purple hull pea harvest gave us two good nights of pea/ham hock soup.
And as my self proclaimed "garden sage" of a husband shouted in excitement one day from across the yard, "We officially have enough corn to make a nice snack! Do we know how to make popcorn?"
Oh Well! That's ok! Considering the heat and the outrageous rise in water prices, we did well for our first try!
Spring is not imminent...not yet anyway. But I am getting a head start this season and getting in the ring with Mother Nature again! I pledge to have enough tomatoes to share this season, enough peas to freeze, and more than a small snack of corn to enjoy...I am saying my novenas to Saint Fiacre as well....I am excited for the new season because in the words of Dorothy Gurney
(also a quote from a stepping stone in the backyard)

The kiss of the sun is for pardon,
The song of the birds for mirth,
One is nearer God's heart in a garden
Than anywhere else on earth.

Seniors!

2010-01-25T15:55:00.000-08:00

It is that time of year again...ALREADY!

This is a Glance at some of last year's Awesome Kids!

I can't believe a whole year has flown by...
I'll bet their parents can't either!

Old Faithful

2010-01-24T21:28:00.000-08:00

We recently had a furry family member pass away. My brother-in-law's family dog left them recently to hunt squirrels in the hills of heaven. I didn't think that the death of another person's dog would affect me....but it did. She did her job and served them well for the ten years she was here. I will miss her barking salutation the next time I walk in their house. The absence of the clicks of her little nails on the wood floors will not go unnoticed. She was sick. Even when they are as sick as she was, in the back of your mind, you always believe they will recover. We know, in life, that this is not always the case. Sadly, it wasn't for her.

That night, I walked outside to watch our dog, Avery. Avery has been my husband's dog for 14 years. Long before our years together, Avery was Tom's greatest love and faithful companion. Unfortunately, we are aware that we are in our last years with him. It is a hard thing for me to choke out. We have noticed his struggle to get in a chair. We have commented on how his jumps for the ball are not quite as high as they used to be. His "rabbit" spring into step has been replaced with a slower lean into his back hips to be followed by an easy rise. The old man is more careful with himself now. His looks have always been deceiving. His size says puppy but the gray around his mouth and the shade coming in over his eyes speaks of old wisdom.
Tom and Avery were young together. They learned life lessons together. Avery has been his traveling partner down many roads, many that were concrete and dirt; some that were not. He has been the ideal companion, aside from the occasional garbage can raid or accident on my new carpets.

On the other hand, it has been a love/hate relationship between he and I since day one. I would take up too much of Tom's time and he would leave me a "present" under our bed. So back and forth we have gone...Love/Hate, Love/Hate. I love that no matter how much I yell at him for a certain offense in our home, he is always happy to see me. I hate that he has been the cause of so many carpet cleaners rented. I love that he is always ready to cuddle. I hate that he leaves so damn much hair behind in his wake.
I feel guilty today. Avery stepped down a rung when our daughter came into the world. Fearing that she would inherit Tom's allergies or my asthma, we sent Avery to the backyard. A fence was built and he was put behind it. Not really a fitting tribute to such a loyal friend. I have made a vow to stop overlooking his importance around here and take more pictures of him. We will want to look back at our faithful friend and remember what a good little fellow he was. I am not looking forward to that day but I hope the pictures will help. I am also considering letting him move back in....God help me....I'm going soft.

What's for Leftovers?

2010-01-22T17:28:00.000-08:00

Recovery is a tough road...
Hi! My name is Farrah and I have a serious aversion to leftovers.
Hiii Farrrrrah!
If I were to name the most frequent "discussion" in our home, it would be whether we eat out or eat....(DuhDuhDuh)LEFTOVERS...AHHHHHH!
My husband came from a family of "waste not want not" and "clean your plate". His father lived through the Depression. Tom's mother was feeding a heap of children at the table nightly. In a family where eight people would be eating sometimes, I suppose this makes sense. The mantra, "But, Farrah, we have (fill in the blank) inside the fridge" is often heard in our kitchen.
I could care less what happens to be in there. "Let's have leftovers" just sounds like someone offering up a big bowl of backwash for a meal. No Thank You very kindly...Leftovers are like my burgeoning wrinkles, I would rather leave them for someone else to "enjoy". In my family we ate what we wanted! We didn't eat leftovers unless it was after Thanksgiving because even I couldn't reason throwing away a whole bird!

Anyway, a domestic goddess I shall never be. The weekly laundry is taken to the "Fluff'n Fold". I hate to do it so much that we would both rather pay someone to wash and fold it for me. No one has pressed sheets or boxers(I know people who do this). The jeans don't have nice creases down the seams. Alas, "Martha Stewart-Cobb" just isn't in the cards. However, if there is a hot meal on the table four nights out of seven and all children have clean socks that match, I feel successful. Creating fantastic meals from leftover food, however, is a little beyond the ole' girl's ability. My mother-in-law says that "perfect is never popular". It's a darn good thing!
By addressing the leftover issue, I hope to read back and realize how ridiculous this fear is. Yes, I said the word fear. Fear is the opposite of faith..true...but there is little faith in me when it comes to anything that has been cooked and then days later reheated within an inch of it's life. Tom has made an excellent point in his defense of the dreaded backwash. He said that eating leftovers would provide something else that was leftover...No, not violent stomach cramping(as was suggested by moi)...it would leave us with heavier pockets. Deciding to test his theory on this week's Chicken n' Dumplings, I realized my husband had made a valid point! Shhhhh..Don't tell him. They tasted just like they did a couple of nights before, maybe better. Oh well, happy that I didn't spend the evening crouched over our toilet, we ate in and reheated leftovers all week. With the money we saved, Friday night was spent in front of a sushi bar with Sake to toast his victory!

The Dumplin' Side of the Bed

2010-01-17T12:29:00.001-08:00

At my annual Smith family Christmas Eve party this year, my younger cousin Haley exclaimed in her wonderful Southern twang, "Girl! What side of the bed did you wake up on that made you not know what a dumplin' is?" Smiling, I thought for a minute and under my breath said, "The coonass side of the bed, I guess." Cue the judgmental eyebrows. Growing up in a Cajun family, we made lots of rice, some potatoes, but never a dumpling graced the table. "Dumplin'" in our family was always a term of affection, and if you had asked me what a dumplin' was this summer...I would have told you that Tom was. What a tragedy to be unfamiliar with what a dumpling really is! What a wonderfully delicious meal! Creamy, saucy, with a little kick...I was an instant fan. I had to find out how to make these little darlings. Next stop, Ame's kitchen. She has made them for years apparently. How I missed them every time she's made them is a mystery. Ame's mother,our beautiful Grandmere, had a great homemade version that had been passed down and perfected, by a few, for years. Should I even attempt the recipe? Me, being the "adventurous pioneer" in the kitchen that I am, decided that I would. The key to this recipe is the thin noodles..er,uh..."dumplin's". One chicken, 50 paper thin dumplings, and five hours later(yes it took me that long)we had success! Austin(aka: Mr. Picky) licked his bowl and I knew we had a winner! To me, Chicken n' Dumplings just looks like a white lumpy stew....nothing I would have initially considered appealing. However, the taste, the creamy deliciousness is well worth the trouble it is to make it. Tonight, the dumplings are on the menu. Aside from dreaming of being Paula Deen's next protege', the princess of Southern cuisine, I am fancying myself a cookbook photographer as well. I have taken pictures of all the lovely steps to dumpling making! One certainty...It is hard to make a raw pink chicken look inviting in a photograph. So, I thought about how I make my own pale pink skin look nice in the summer...cover it up! This was the result! Another result was my realization that I really like taking pictures of food! There is something very satisfying about it. The drawback is that it makes you hungry. So Haley, if you ask me again what side of the bed I woke up on...I will tell you the "Dumplin's" side because we are loving those luscious treasures tonight!

Fade Resistant

2010-01-11T18:36:00.000-08:00

Fact check: We all love our kids! We all think our particular children are unlike any other in the world. Even if you don't have kids, you know that there is someone out there that thinks that way about you! Can you guess why? It is because we all are unlike each other in very real and wonderful ways! Each and every child is their own unique entity put on this earth for a very specific reason. Austin, my son, came to me like an angel, in a time when I needed him desperately and had no idea that I did. He was my companion and sidekick for five years before I remarried. He was my constant and my touchstone. I don't think he even knows now, that when he was sleeping in his crib and I was pouring over textbooks trying to graduate, he was also my secret weapon. He was my own personal Jedi mind trick that I used on myself when I got tired or felt like giving up. All I had to do was look at him and I became a better person. He is my watcher and my observer. He is private and peaceful. I never could tell you how he came from me but he did. What I can tell you is that Austin is who I want to be when I grow up!

I have noticed recently that Austin will disappear when I pull out my camera. I chalk it up to preadolescent angst. Nine is a rough year for boys. Their heads haven't grown into their new teeth. They are kind of skinny,awkward and their hair gets weird. They are, you know, not quite ripe for life yet. They are questioning everything and nothing seems to be the same. Girls are no longer gross but not exactly appealing either. So, being nine, I suppose he would rather fade away and come back out when he grows into those teeth. He gets away with this now because his sister(and I say this with all the love in my heart) is somewhat of a bulldozer. She will take over any situation and excavate the entire room in the process. She takes over and he happily fades into the background. I am beginning to see this in my photographs. I refuse to let this happen all that often anymore! I decided today I would take him out with me and do his nine year photos...sans sister. He did a good job...no fading, little embarrassment, still an angel. His mother did alright too! Easy kid to work with as usual! No surprise there.

Peeling the Onion

2010-01-10T08:22:00.000-08:00

Our daughter had her first haircut yesterday. I have to admit that I have been avoiding this step for some time now. The straight fuzzy "old" hair that she was born with lay lightly on top of all of her new growth underneath giving her the look of a nice little comb over. It was finally decision making time. Do we cut off the old stringy hair, thereby revealing all of her lovely new hair? Do we leave the hair that she came into this world with, thereby letting us hold onto that last little bit of baby she still has in her. What to do? To cut or not to cut..that was the question. The decision came to me while chopping an onion. Weird? Probably. However, as I was peeling the skin of the onion, I thought about what would have happened if the person that discovered the onion had looked at it and thought, "What a weird crunchy ball". What if they hadn't peeled back the layers to reveal what it could be? No one would have ever had a good gravy for their pasta, or tasty gumbo to enjoy. Sometimes peeling back the layers, even when you are unsure of the outcome, can be good....wonderful even. We made the decision to cut. We took her to the woman that cuts my hair and she started chopping away. I tried to remain calm and ignore that lump that crept into my throat and the ache that edged into my heart when she pulled out her scissors. I hid behind my camera and kept myself distracted. I like taking pictures when I don't feel like dealing with a moment at hand. You can escape right there and disappear behind your viewfinder. Perfect for the occasional antisocial moment or overly emotional ones. Snip. Snip. Kate was a dream and loved every minute. What we discovered under the mess was a mound of beautiful curls! They would have never seen their full potential if we had held onto our silly fears. What we also found was her "baby face" again. Shorter hair makes Kate look younger so we still get to hold onto her babyhood for a few months more at least. Hurrah! A clip of her baby hair was saved in a tiny envelope so that I may pull it out whenever I please, to feel what her hair used to feel like. I also have some pretty great photographs to remind us that sometimes we just need to dig in and peel. That is good enough for me.

The Laundry Basket

2010-01-05T13:54:00.000-08:00

I purchased a book today on Amazon about photographing children, my favorite subjects. The reason that I left real estate and chose to teach is because there is something that working with children provides that working with adults does not...an honest, authentic experience. Children are everything that is pure and good in this world. I was young when my son was born and I was in a frenzy just to keep him alive and clothed and entertained. I didn't take the time to "smell the roses" as they would say. However, when Kate was born I made a promise to myself that I would open my eyes and watch and enjoy. Babies are very interesting. They have no reason for self service aside from survival. If their needs are met they are content. Simple. Period. They haven't been pressed upon yet. Everything about their attitude and demeanor has to do with the present moment. They don't hold grudges because mommy left their diaper wet too long last night. If they are crying about a moment...it is because it is happening now. I took this and thought about it and how wonderfully blissful it would be to not recall past wrongs or avenge some honor lost....to live only in the moment and just require what is needed in that moment. My sister-in-law quotes Mark Twain during times of worry, " I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened”. I like this quote because I am a worrier. This fact itself worries me. People get sick from worry. People get depressed from worry. I have no interest in being sick or depressed. However, not worrying about much worries me so I am a little stuck. What I try to do now is to live my moments in life as authentically as I can....enjoy my little times that make me smile where I am getting all that I need from the people around me.
The picture above is a technically bad picture....bad lighting, messy room, messy kids sitting in a laundry basket. Even so, It is one of my favorites and every time I look at it I smile. My children were playing in the "ship" and Austin was the evil pirate. It isn't really the story about what was going on that I love. I love that I am in the time where my children can both fit snugly in a laundry basket enjoying each other in a way that I am sure will change in the next few years. Austin will become a teenager and Kate will be interested in other things. They will not fit in that basket together. I will surely look back at this picture and think "I can't believe they were ever both small enough to fit". I used to think similarly about my heart. I remember when I was pregnant with Kate, I couldn't believe I would ever love another child like I loved Austin. But what I didn't know was that a spot had already been carved in my heart for her. Her own perfect place just like Austin's. They both fit so snugly there now.
So I can't wait to read my new book soon and learn a little more about my little memory maker. Maybe I can take a better picture of them in that "ship" again before time passes and it turns into a laundry basket.

Biting the Bullet

2010-01-04T18:54:00.001-08:00

Like I said before, I have been tossing around photography in my head for a long time. As with any new venture, there is fear and excitement and nervous anticipation for what could actually be. Several months ago, I made a purchase. Now...Anyone who knows me well, knows that I hate to spend money. Prying anything that I have worked so hard for out of my tightly gripped, sweaty, straining hands is a difficult task to say the least. Even so, I made an expensive purchase of a certain beloved DSLR camera that I keep shoving in everyone's faces. I don't know what it was about Nikon. The name just spoke to me. The first time that I had ever heard the name was in the class that Keith taught. I brought my camera to class for approval and he approved my ancient Canon with a smile. He then pulled out a equally ancient camera that had this je ne sais quoi....this certain something that my sad, underused antique didn't have. Perhaps it was that I knew it must have seen many amazing and interesting things. Perhaps it was that it was simply his camera and he knew far more than I did about cameras. Whatever the reason, N-I-K-O-N didn't spell Nikon, oh no. It spelled National Geographic! It spelled Vogue! It spelled my ticket to distant lands and fascinating people that I could capture and share with the world! But I digress. It has been my wish for a Nikon for quite sometime...maybe an obsession. Maybe a Nikon arrogance...no other camera could possibly be as good. Before my photographical investment, friends of mine would flash around their new Canons and Fujis and Sonys and the like and I would quietly smile to myself and whisper inside of my head, "yeah. nice. but it isn't a Nikon". A Nikon was the key to all successful photography. I was convinced. So I bit the bullet and purchased, reluctantly but surely, the Nikon D200 DSLR! It arrived one sunny afternoon and so had I, as far as I was concerned! Ready to go, I set out to the backyard to try out my new best friend on my baby girl, some azaleas and our unsuspecting dog. I found that I couldn't have been more unprepared to use it than my son would have been if I had asked him to drive our car around the block. I knew the basic mechanics. I knew what all the parts were and how to change the lens. What I sadly didn't know was how I was going to put it all together...again, all I knew was point..shoot. What a disaster! My beautiful daughter was a mess with blurred hair or strange streaks across her ruddy little cheeks. Our dog ran and hid and my decade old azaleas looked no more special than pink carnations in the grocery store fridge. Deeply disappointed and a little embarrassed that I had spent all this money on something that I just couldn't use properly, I decided I should educate myself. That is what I did. I found a book and read it...something about being an idiot and having a digital SLR camera (seemed to fit)and felt more prepared after that. I can say now, that I can take a somewhat decent picture and have it look a little like what I am expecting. I am branching out. I have now found that it is actually the user of the camera and not the camera itself that creates magnificent art...a good user and a good lens. Man is that lens important. Who knew?! The lens just opens up a whole new world! Here I was obsessed with the totally wrong thing! I am now obsessed with the NIKKOR 18-200mm lens with vibration reduction and will soon bite the bullet and make the ridiculously pricey purchase...reluctantly but surely.

My Mission

2010-01-04T07:04:00.000-08:00

Today is Monday, January 4, 2010. The start of the New Year is in full swing and we are back at school. Our Mid Winter break is over and we are facing a long cold winter ahead of us. Having this time off with my children always makes me grateful that I do what I do because I have these extended time periods off with them. No obligations during their breaks is a good thing for me. It also gives me time to ponder what I am actually doing that I am passionate about. OK...I am a mom to two of the greatest kids in the world(well to me anyway) and I am the wife of a man that I often times wonder how God had it in his design for me to deserve...I am passionate about that of course. That being said, I have also had a secret love affair with this little time machine that spends entirely too much time in our linen closet, my camera. Twelve years ago, I took my first photography class with Keith Carter. I didn't know much about him except that he had taken really cool pictures of us as kids and was a famous local artist that had done an REM cover...REM? SOLD! that was enough for me. I had no money for a camera and my father graciously gave me his Canon AE-i (circa 1983)and I was happy to have it. It was a dinosaur but in near perfect condition. Keith liked my relic a lot and so that sealed the deal. I had not one clue what this class was about. I was simply there to learn to take "pretty pictures". Keith's sensational enthusiasm for what he did hooked me. It was an eight o'clock class and I was always on time(which at the time, was a miracle in and of itself). I admit, I was unsure about everything...F stops, shutter speeds, developer, stop, wash, enlarger, dark room..the jargon was completely foreign. I just knew, point...shoot. However, my professor's vast knowledge and patience helped guide me through the muddy waters of those initial first weeks.
But Wow! The moment I walked into that dark room and enlarged my first photo successfully, I knew I had found a passion for something. It had been a while since I was passionate about anything really. I liken it to stepping on stage. That rush when you know what is about to come...the thunderous roars of people who love you for that single moment. It is truly intoxicating. Only, the roars were coming from inside my head and I was making them happen. Could I possibly be proud? Yes indeed, It was pride. I was proud of my little creation and all of the work that had gone into making it. One would think..."take a picture, it is easy." In the modern digital age, this may be true. So many cameras on the market now make it so easy to stare brainlessly through their auto focused lenses. However, a fully manual camera that uses film instead of a chip and doesn't have a mini tv on the back is quite a different story. You need to find a subject, make decisions about how it should look to people,take the picture, process the film(correctly), develop the picture and then find ways to perfect it in the enlarger and maybe find a trick or two to make it worth looking at longer than two seconds. Then and only then do you get to appreciate your final product. I admit, I had dreams of New York and fashion magazines and my own little loft in the Village where my dark room was and where companies wanted to fly me to exotic places like Greece and India for my artistic input....but, alas, real life happens and you get other wonderful surprises instead. I became a mother in 2000 and then my real life kicked into high gear. Ten years, two kids, one divorce, and one successful marriage later, here I am. I am a teacher, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend and the proud owner of a fabulous digital SLR camera....but what I really want to be is a photographer. There. I said it....well wrote it so that everyone I know that may read this can hold me accountable. I have toyed around with the idea for years and found every reason in the book to avoid trying, just in case I failed. I could care less about failing anymore. I am 33 years old now...a third of my life is behind me and I am not going to wait around anymore. The reason for my blog is to say that I am on a mission. I want to learn, not how to take "pretty pictures" but to take pictures that will move the people that look at them. I am spending my year with this goal in mind. I am going to try to learn as much as I can about this new digital gem that I bought for more money than anyone should be spending on a hobby, with only hopes that it will turn into something bigger. But who knows...Someone out there may pay me one day for doing something that I love or I might just have a lot of fun and make a few people smile...either way I am jumping in the water...I think it's still warm.